It can be difficult and exhausting to navigate the ins and outs of having a relationship with a toxic person. The emotional toll from such a relationship can be overwhelming.
Toxic relationships are characterized by patterns of manipulation, deceit, and emotional abuse, which can manifest in various forms, such as bullying, constant criticism, gaslighting, or the undermining of one’s self-worth.
A toxic person frequently uses strategies to keep the other person emotionally attached, aiming to maintain or regain their trust. Approaching this situation with full awareness is essential if you intend to overcome feelings of inferiority or insecurity.
The emotional consequences of being in a relationship with a toxic person can be significant. Recognizing red flags and understanding the impact it has on one’s life are crucial to healing from emotional trauma.
Setting boundaries and reaching an understanding with a toxic person can be a lengthy and challenging journey because toxic people usually do not understand boundaries or why you're setting them.
People who haven't witnessed the toxic behavior directed at you might not grasp your perspective, but this is a crucial step toward building healthier relationships and leading a more fulfilling life in the future.
I've personally been in several toxic relationships that I had to step away from to protect my emotional well-being. It's not that I lack love or forgiveness for those individuals; I just came to understand that I'm healthier and happier without them trying to control my life.
From my experience, these people often criticize you, spread rumors, try to make you feel guilty, and lure you back to gain your trust, just so they can draw you back into the drama or get something from you that fulfills their selfish needs.
In the end, it feels as though you're being used like a pincushion!
This can be exhausting and may result in feelings of resentment and anger if you don't learn to manage and react in a healthy, self-preserving manner.
Toxic behavior can appear in various forms.
A toxic individual might:
-Extend an argument for a long period of time even though you've tried to make peace.
-Create drama upon seeing you.
-Reject your apology for so long that you eventually stop caring about their acceptance.
-Try to cause you to feel guilty for things you haven't done.
-Invent additional reasons to ask you to repeatedly apologize, even resorting to lies or made up stories or events to accomplish this.
A toxic person may extend a conflict over many years. They make a significant gesture to appear to mend the relationship while simultaneously making you feel guilty that they didn't get what they needed for closure to begin with.
Eventually, they disclose their ulterior motives, thereby exposing that their intentions were not genuine from the start.
This ulterior motive typically revolves around their own self-interest, as they often seek to manipulate situations to their advantage. They may take control of a situation and then want you to pay for the decisions they have made. It is a ploy to control you.
Narcissists are known for controlling behavior, which is their true nature, and can include manipulation, jealousy, disdain, or even outright abusive behavior, especially when they don't get what they want.
Toxic behavior can manifest as persistent or confrontational conversations about past incidents (never letting it go), attempts to manipulate circumstances for personal advantage, or employing guilt-tripping tactics to make you feel responsible for their feelings.
In case you're not aware, you are NOT responsible for how someone CHOOSES to feel about you, especially if you've already tried to make peace.
Toxic people often exhibit a compelling need to insert themselves into the lives of others, particularly when they perceive that boundaries have been established.
It's an all or none attitude. Either you're their friend or their enemy, as they can't perceive you loving them from a distance.
Their inclination to breach established boundaries stems from a deep-seated need for validation and attention. As the situation escalates, the next step often involves manipulation.
Manipulation
Manipulation can take several forms, such as gaslighting, where they distort reality to make you question your own memories, perceptions and feelings.
They may employ guilt-tripping techniques, attempting to make you feel responsible for their emotional state, further complicating the dynamics of the relationship.
This manipulation can also include emotional blackmail, where they withdraw affection unless you comply with their demands or expectations.
Such tactics are designed to maintain control over the situation and to keep you in a state of confusion and self-doubt.
Ultimately, this cycle of toxic behavior not only harms your emotional well-being but also perpetuates their inability to change, leading to a destructive pattern that can be difficult to break free from.
This situation can be challenging for individuals trying to uphold their boundaries, as the narcissist's reactions may vary from manipulative to genuinely confused, adding complexity to the emotional environment for the person trying to safeguard themselves.
Toxic individuals are notorious for seeing others in a negative way. You're always guilty, no matter what you do. Because of this, they may be relentless in using manipulative tactics to to get you to change who you are.
Their guilt-tripping tactics are a brilliant way at projecting their actions or inadequacies onto others. They might even twist past events and claim that you were the one who did what they actually did, trying to confuse your perception of the truth.
If the toxic person can make you believe you're at fault for their actions, they can maintain control over you.
They might imply that you haven't contributed your "fair share," all while undermining your efforts to actually do so, or, they will simply ignore your contributions.
They may consistently remind you of how well they've treated you in the past, give you the silent treatment, speak in a disapproving tone of voice, make facial expressions or gestures to convey disappointment, cut you down, continue to bring up the offense either subtly or dramatically, make false accusations against you, make you feel like you need to "make it up to them," or force you to over-apologize.
All of these tactics are evidence that the person you're dealing with is a narcissist. Control and domination is their goal. Ultimately, they just want you to give in to their demands.
Learning to cope may mean getting therapy or learning coping mechanisms that thwart negative or emotionally charged behavior.
Not sure if you're dealing with someone who's toxic?
Ask yourself these questions:
-Do you avoid being around them?
-Do you dread talking to them?
-Do you feel heavy and weighed down when you're around them?
-Do you have lower self-esteem around them?
-Do you feel generally bad when you're around them? Such as feelings of anxiety, depression, being inadequate, shame when you've done nothing wrong, confusion, or do you have feelings of anger just from the thought of having to deal with them?
-Do they always have a negative way of looking at you or your behavior?
-Do you always feel like you're on trial when in their presence?
Coping Mechanisms to Help you Heal
You may have to decide to cease communication or limit interactions with a narcissist. It may hurt you to do so, especially if the person is a family member or spouse.
Be warned that it can also result in them being confused, bewildered, and probably even hurt. They may perceive this as you harming them, thereby making you their enemy.
They may struggle to understand why someone would choose to distance themselves, particularly if they have become accustomed to being an influence in your life.
This sudden withdrawal can be particularly jarring for them, as they often lack the emotional insight to recognize the toxic impact they have had on your emotional well-being, or they may not care about the impact they've had. The truth is, toxic people are selfish and they may not care about your feelings at all.
It is essential to shield yourself from additional harm. By establishing boundaries and distancing yourself from the toxic person, you gain control over your own emotions.
They may react with anger, denial, or even attempts to shift the blame onto you for their feelings and actions.
This denial can manifest in various ways, including defensive outbursts or passive-aggressive remarks, which serve to deflect responsibility away from themselves.
Narcissists want to see you as their enemy because it justifies their behavior, and in their mind, YOU are the one that's wrong. They think YOU have the problem and that YOU need to be the one to bring the solution. They can never just let it go and tend to hold grudges.
In many cases, they may refuse to engage in constructive dialogue about the issues at hand, instead choosing to focus on your perceived shortcomings or mistakes or causing you to repeatedly have to apologize and feel diminished because of the arrows they've directed at you.
This tactic not only undermines your perspective but also creates a toxic atmosphere where open communication becomes nearly impossible.
The best course of action is to realize that having a healthy relationship with this type of person may not be possible.
It is, however, possible to heal and forgive even without closure. You can love people from a distance. You don't have to be around them to love them.
Sometimes, true happiness and healing can only be achieved by distancing oneself from toxic individuals. This may mean you only see them at holidays or funerals, but it can also mean peace of mind.
I'm a believer that prayer and faith can change things but I've seen it take years or decades. Don't let those years cause unforgiveness or bitterness. Seek to forgive and move on with your life. Trust me, it will bring a sense of calm, even if they refuse to accept that this is your choice.
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